Sunday, January 8, 2012

A Deeper Look

I have been thinking about how I wanted to talk about my troubles without sounding crazy.  The whole experience still shocks me and I am complete silence about it all.  Until Now.  . . . .

Last year was kind of a trying time for my family and I.  I have suffered from post partum depression ever since my oldest was born.  With each additional kid it kind of got worse.  I decided it was time to seek help and get this problem taken care of.  I deserved it and my family deserved it.  I saw a doctor so they could help me with medication and I saw a counselor so I could talk about whatever is eating me internally.  I was not going to give up on the process, this time. 

I am very sensitive to medication so during this time my depression and symptoms tended to get worse.  The medication was not helping.  By my third visit with the counselor she decided to hospitalize me.  I guess thought of harm weren't the  normal thing to have even though I never acted on it.  Overall it was for the safety of the kids and me to get a quicker solution.

I was in denial and trying to reason with the counselor, I promised to be better.  I didnt know how this was going to work out.  Who was going to take care of my kids, my family, my life?  It was all out of my hands and to tell you the truth it kind of had to be.  I would never make these choices on my own in fear of being a burden to others. 

I stayed in the hospital for a week and a half and was monitored on different medications trying to find the best one for me.  I wasn't sleeping well and like I said before I have depression.  The sleeping pills worked wonders except for they made me eat everything in sight.  (Some of the change I need. I gained over 20lbs being on those.)  I left the hospital feeling scared and weary of what was to come.  I was scared to come back home, scared to see my family, just plain scared. 

While in the hospital my husband made the choice to move closer to work and provide a better atmosphere.  It was overall a very good choice for our family.  So we had that going on to where we were moving Christmas Eve and changing our whole future. 

Change is good and I am grateful for this change.  I just need to adjust myself and my life to make depression better and our family life better which is always a work in progress.

So that is a little about me.

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